The person that I need someone to talk to about, is the same person that I want to talk to.

That’s to say; I need to get a lot out of my chest about you, but you’re the only one I care to get things off to.

It’s really another one of those moments when one can say that I have been blessed with a curse.

Today, I am a man who can confidently say that I have loved and I have been loved back. Blessed.

Unfortunately, I can also admit that I have lost love. Curse.

The kind of love that raises the standards of what to accept next, where to compromise and how to know quite quickly when something is simply not for you.

And that is how I have returned to my blog. Remember I started this because I always had so much to say and not enough ears.

Now I have so much to say but I’m literally not allowed to say it.

Sometimes I reflect and consider all the times that I hurt you, put me first. I have to accept that it’s probably for the best that you carry on without me.

But for me, it’s been nothing but abyss. I’ve turned left, right and tried to move forward.

I’ve thought of writing you the longest email to get it off my chest. Anything just for one more word with my bestfriend. Just one more word with my bestfriend. I’ve tried pictures with penguins. Just one more word with my bestfriend.


It Rained. The Sun Came Out.

It rained on Monday, and again on Thursday.

The Sun came out Tuesday, and throughout the weekend too.

Wednesday was cloudy. Nothing in the sky.

Grey all day, the kids couldn’t come out to play.

February as a whole has been mundane. Thank god it’s three less days.

Last Year was a pleasure. Although it brought much pressure, it brought much to measure.

First year ever under contract, learnt some routines to keep intact, and much to dissect. Made mistakes I can’t retract – but there’s room to correct.

Yes sure, many joys were celebrated, broken hearts were repainted, both my brother and sister graduated.

It’s almost a decade since I first fell in love. I’ve lost a dozen roses since then.

Countless years since my first fight. It’s been a thousand since then.

Started last year with a fist fight, when what I needed was to be kissed right.

The alcohol has exposed my alter egos. All the me I refuse to be, cause –

Some Mondays are rainy, some Thursdays aren’t.

Some days the kids do play, and some months get those days.

Some pressures prove unmeasurable, living the whole year in torture.

And while some hearts were repainted, mine remains tainted.

Some fights avoided, some drinks savoured.


The Idea of You

I am unashamedly in love with the idea of you.

Though I remain ashamed of the idea of being in love with you.

Because before you, I thought I had control.

In truth, before you, I had no control.

Before you I had joy.

Before you, I thought I knew joy.

In truth, before you – As is now, I knew no joy.

As is now, I just stay content.

As is now, I stay content and think less of substance.

I stay content through substance.

I admit. Keeping you out of my mind is a positive excercise.

I admit too, that in keeping you out of my heart however;

I’m torn apart.

Because I remain in love with the idea of you. I long for your eyes to stare through mine. I swear I’d pay no mind to whatever has gone, or what’s to come.

I won’t speak ill of this time without you. Nor pressure you into tomorrow.

I wonder if I’d even speak at all.

I wonder if You’d see through my wall.

I wonder if you’d get the idea of it all.


Author of Perception.

Everybody wants to be the author of perception.

The way you see life, the way it should be done, the rules to be kept, and those to be broken and those that can only be bent.

With enough courage, hope and sometimes naivity, some will give it a try.

But as every journey that starts out in the dark towards the light, it soon becomes revealed that in fact, somebody else has already done the writing.

That’s when others admit that this is God’s world and his way is to go.

Then others see also that the Albert Einsteins, Platos, Hitlers and Musks have done it before.

And that’s when it becomes important for one to educate himself if he’s going to at least learn how to thread on the foundations that have already been laid.

And that’s why when I write:

– I’m writing the raw me;

-Hoping that this is the real me;

-And praying that time waits for the finished me.

I’m writing my excuses. “I haven’t done this much yet because I think this bit here is important to grasp first.”

I’m writing my motivations. “My efforts will show, my patience will grow, I’ve planted the seeds and laid my bed, and I’ve bought the stove that will bake our bread.”

I’m writing my fears. “I’m afraid that I gave myself the medal before I ran the race and now I might never win because I started my celebrations before I encountered my opposition.”

I’m writing my resume:

Sending it out where I wish I could be – leaving it where I might have to settle for compromise – tearing it up at the first sign of rejection – gluing it together again when I rediscover my passion.

Man I wish I could come up with something that will be worth:




And when it cuts and hurts, something that was worth the bleeding.


Not for want of wanting.

Feeling good about yourself is Great.

Wanting to feel good about yourself is not.

Because it’s in the wanting that you find that something is missing, the abyss and the lack of the goodness.

So are we going to live in want, or need?

Oh, that’s when we become the needy – needing handouts, approval, opportunities and our dreams to come alive.

But if feeling good is really what we’re willing to be, then we’re going to have to make these things happen.

It’s when we’re going to have to push at the obstacle to get the stone rolling, and it’s the rolling stone that gathers no moss.

It’s the sacrifice of the little things that don’t really matter for the sake of the grand achievements that give us purpose.

It’s the fight against the me of yesterday, today, for tomorrow.

Okay, enough talk, let’s get to it then.



Long before Man…

Did you know?

That, long before Man was, there lived and still lives – an abundant and intelligent being like no other ever since.

We say ever since, because there is no knowing what other kind of magnificent beings might have existed before our subject matter.

But there lived a population of the being that is now known most commonly as “Alien.”

Either way, the aliens, you see…

They lived in a world that was a lot like ours. They were just as intelligent as we are, and I say that in our favor and in risk of leaving them offended.

They developed new technologies. They build cities, created lifestyles and developed economies that would keep them entertained and “playing” together fairly in their adult years, as they had once done as children.

They created competition to find out who was better than whom, who had more or less, and who had the most luck or the flavour of the gods on his side.

They followed and led each other. They ran from danger and chased down their victims. They lived life to its fullest.

In time, they became faced with the same problems that we humans now find ourselves faced with –



-Food shortages


They struggled with this for a very long time.

They explored the oceans. They explored the skies.

They watered the deserts and planted their seas.

They did almost everything possible to change their environment in order for it to better suit them and continue to accommodate all of them and their growing quantities.

And at the same time, they were faced with wars, all kinds of them:

-those that they started

-those started against them

-And those that they started amongst each other.

One day, to cut the story short, someone came up with a solution that could fix all of their problems.

There were too many of them for their worlds to hold them,

there were too many of them abusing their worlds’ resources, and

They were so big that they were easily spotted by any or all of their potential enemies.

So, they decided to shrink themselves to microscopic sizes in order for them to require much less from their environment, much less room needed to separate them from each other, and they were now too small for their enemies to find them.

Morden day Earthlings are such enemies.

And that is why we have not been able to find signs of any other forms of life out there in space blah blah blah.



Within US.

It seems like we are always looking for that which is within us.

So, we’re not even looking, more like we’re being lured.

The heart is the magnet, attracting love if that’s what’s inside – but mostly bitterness from times I could not forgive.

The mind, the great city walls – welcoming friends and keeping out foes – but woe to me when I found out that I had befriended pain, mistrust and the weakness of pride.

Perhaps the walls should go down, and the city be demolished, and it’s people destroyed – so that there may be a new foundation. A new way of thinking. A new birth within.

It starts with this realization.

The need to become what I want to achieve.

To open my eyes to the realities.

And allow myself to be led, not lured.

No longer blurred by self-centeredness.

But become from within, something worth searching for.


Towards the light/Curiosity killed the cat.

There was a time not so long ago when I suddenly became intrigued by the idea of lucid dreaming.

I think I had then recently watched the movie Inception and I thought perhaps, if I could stay awake while I dreamt, maybe there I could chase God or find truth.

One night I planned to stay up all night to study and so I made a late cup of coffee. It’s always the best time to indulge in these drugs when they’re still new to your body.

I drank the cup, but failed to stay up. And as I listened to a C.S Lewis audio-book on YouTube half-awake, I began to see a beautiful blue light with no end.

My body felt, or I dreamt that it felt as though I was floating, and then I began to float into the light.

What an exciting feeling it was, at the beginning when I just wanted to feel what comes next.

But as the light moved faster behind me, a sudden fear came upon me. I started to feel as though I was now falling beyond my limits and though I was still intrigued, it felt as if whatever was to come next, I was not ready to see.

I then simultaneously closed and opened my eyes. The former in the dream and the latter as I woke…

The relief of normality as though I had just been through a nightmare. Perhaps I was… But man, I think I know now, how curiosity can kill a cat.



Hey, why are we only allowed to look back?

When we do, and we see bad, we get depressed.

When we do and see good, they call it pride.

Why can’t we look forward?

’cause when you do and see bad you get anxious – But if it’s good they’ll say “delusion”.

Uhm, so what should we look at now?

We’re well fed, yet still sad, and yet still, glad.

Man, what’s with all this confusion?

Started with the puzzles when we were six… And now a devil is flooding us with treats and tricks.

Or so I have heard. Hey, apparently I’m fighting an invisible battle. Apparently we’re now fighting the Crowned Prince himself…

Yeah, so much confusion. So many lost lives. So many scared wives. So many scared Kings, and Queens and Ministers behind masks…

Okay enough of blurred remarks:

I’m getting so big for the place I’m standing in that I’m afraid I need to quickly find my next spot.

But fear is for the weak, and as weak as I can be, I hate it and I’m still willing to put a fight.

As I walk into this darkness I hope I’ll keep my charm and my calm and bring forth to the front now, everything I’ve learnt because WOW.

I hate looking forward because it makes me feel small, but as I write this, I hope I’ll leave these silly truths here because I’ve got to write my path and through the dark, there’ll shine a star, then another, and more, until the sun comes around.

Another day that I’m looking forward to, and today one I’ll look back at, and there and then I’ll meet the Standard.