Be Myself

And if I lose myself for the sake of finding myself and then I find myself without You? Would I still be myself? What is me without you but a mere stranger walking on the other side of the street?

But then what is me with you but not with myself?

I guess the question lies in the possibility that I was predestined for you, which would mean that with you I am myself. But am I really myself or am I yours?

The other option would be for me to be myself and that would mean that I chose to be myself with you. But that makes me wonder, what if I had chosen for myself to be not with You?

See I am with you and I am asking these questions. If I had chosen myself without You, would I still have been asking these questions? Or maybe I would have been too busy living as myself to find time for these questions.

But what if I am only living because I am with you and I am so blessed that I am able to even ask?

I wonder if some of my heroes ever asked these questions. I wonder if I laughed while Robin Williams asked for himself, or if maybe I was too busy dancing while Avicii was pondering.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop writing these words. I wonder if I’m even writing these words. I wonder – if I do stop writing these words – will you wonder if I got my answers?

Advertisement

Mend a broken love.

How do you mend a broken axle? We’ve been stuck here on the side of the road trying to pump some life back into our love, But it all seems so futile when you’ve got so many holes that I cannot see and you remain silent – not even a tear when I touch you here or there – it’s like you feel no pain, but I need to know if I should try again.

How do you mend a broken axle? We thought this love would be a walk in the park, but it’s been three years now and we’ve been dogs barking at the wrong trees. You’ve been sitting in your comfort zone throwing tantrums, but now that the gates are open you’re afraid to come out to fight for your love.

And me, I’ve been here thinking and sinking in my messy room but somehow I manage to keep my head above the clutter long enough to see your mistakes, still while drowning in mine – I’m failing to see how fast I’m falling – I’d be lucky if I could make it out crawling.

How do you mend a broken axle? In the car boot, next to the spare tyre, that’s where I left the first aid kit. Maybe if we can patch things up quickly we can still make it in time to see the sunrise on the east coast. We had such high hopes when we decided to run away and escape the concrete jungle…but we ran straight into the wilderness of this thing called Love.

And now you don’t have your mother or your girlfriends to call every time I call a fight out of something small, and make you feel small – everybody could see it back then, but now everybody is no longer a valid excuse – can we still say the world is against us while we’re alone in the wilderness? We only got here in the summer, I hope we make it until the fall.

So how do you mend a broken axle? I’m tired of numbing the pain because it always comes back. I’m so over going around the same circles. Let’s grab this thing by the horns and deal with it together, no more games and throwing blames.

Ahead of my time.

When I was just a little rascal, I heard somebody say Time waits for no man. Some time later I remember hearing somebody else say You Snooze – you Lose.

Then the days went by, followed by months and probably some years and somewhere in between, I remember playing with my friends when someone shouted Last one there is a rotten egg… I don’t remember who ended up being the rotten one, but those games were fun, competition was fun and winning was life.

So I went on to grow up in phases, taking part in the mainstream competitions along the way. Primary school games and High school sports, I won a few along the way as a Jack of all trades but master of none. All these were fun, but the sensation was too short and I lost the drive along the way. I was too unique to commit to only one of these games, so I simply stopped and changed my focus.

Then I remembered those phrases from my youth, it seemed like one man held a certain trophy and it could not be taken from him. Time – yes that’s his name, he was always in control and got praise from everybody who knew him. He was everybody’s favourite but nobody could compete. They cheered his name from the rural streets to the Mansions up the hill – Time is money – even the biggest corporates would admit.

They say, If you keep up, you never have to catch up. I’m sorry but I’ve never heard anything more foolish than trying to chase time. So I decided that I had to be ahead of him and it’s not that difficult. You need to know a few basic rules of time; I’ll leave here just two – Time is a measuring scale & Time is subjective.

I could go on forever about how I did it, but I want you to believe that I won the race and now I am ahead of my time. You’d think that this is a great thing to achieve, but it is actually quite frustrating. You see, we think we are racing Time, but we are actually racing people – our own peers most often.

When you are ahead of Time, it means that you have achieved what you did before your peers and before the time that the people before you set as the standard estimate for success – many people know this. But the problem with this achievement however, lies in the question: “What good is winning if you have nobody to celebrate with?”…or “What good is winning if nobody is there to see you win?”

So you do all the right things, but everybody else is still stuck on the left side of life – then your right things seem to them as weird and crazy. You become more at risk of depression, having to choose between enjoying your victory alone, or dumbing it down just a little in order to enjoy Da Tingz Dat Ur Frendz lyk.

But you have to realise that there’s no standing on the fence, you have to flip the switch and once you fall over you have to go all in, like SPLASH! into the deep end and there’s no coming back. You have to like their music and get intoxicated by the blinding lights and make the same mistakes that you knew you could avoid, but now you can’t divert, so you dive head-in with the crowd – get caught up in addiction and lose your self control – living your life shallow, a shadow of the man you could have been – the chance to stand out, you tossed it in the bin.

Now I realise why time will always win, he does not mind standing alone and being the standard of measurement. He does not mind being cursed at, or missing out on the fun. Time is winning and that secures his life, he beat the competition and became the game and now we play by his rules – so for that I give respect where it’s due, but I keep my eyes open and see if I can learn a thing or two, I’m waiting for his secrets because they said, Time will tell.

Look what I can do

Time waits for no man if

You snooze – You Lose because

Last one there is a rotten egg and

Time, Time is Money so

If you keep up

You never have to catch up because

Time is a measuring scale and

Time is subjective so remember

My Peers

Time will always win and

Time will tell.