I think. I drink.

Look, I think…a lot.

I think when I listen. So much so that I stop listening. I am not proud that I stop listening, and therefore, I think while I am thinking that perhaps now I should stop thinking and return to listening.

I think when in a class lecture. This helps me make sense of what I am being taught.

I think also, during the day when I am seated in the shade under the African sun in the backyard. I think again when I am in my room watching videos on YouTube for entertainment. I think as well when I’m watching a movie, so much so that at times I cannot help but throw in my two cents worth of comments throughout.   I’d assume that this might sometimes make for unpleasant experiences when you watch movies in my company.

I think and daydream if you’d like to call it that.

I used to think a lot about God. I eventually brought myself to stop some of that because it became just a little too heavy to think about things that are never-ending.

Then I began to drink. And it was good for the first two or three glasses of wine.

I was stealing a moment of peace in my head whereby I was still thinking, but I was a little more separated from my thoughts.  It was as if I was no longer doing the thinking, but instead watching along as the movies, lessons, joys and pains played out in my head…but I was not there to really feel them, be them.

Then, eventually the drink becomes a little too much as I indulge like a kid in a candy store. I was now drunk.

I was no longer spectating the thoughts that came out of my mind. I had actually wandered off completely over and above, to Spain perhaps. Or maybe to the beach that I so love, or the mountains where I would one day love to retreat to and live in complete solitude – or even better, with my loving wife and our children only.

And while I wandered, those thoughts ceased being a mere show or movie that was being projected in my head. Those drunken thoughts became me.

And so, while I was away – I guess it would be safe to say – that the thoughts came out to play.

But such is the nature of this world, or life, or experience – that no man is an island by himself. Other humans continued to exist while I was away too.

And it just so happens that these thoughts are often one sided. I was the one who brought thoughts and reason together. I was the one who could dictate which of these were presumably acceptable according to society’s standards.

But remember that I was no longer here. And remember also that other humans can so often push boundaries. And remember that I usually exercise reason to keep a cool head.

But when I drink, I can no longer think.

The rest will be history.

 

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I don’t wanna waste any serious attention, but I’ve got something I need to mention.

It’s going good, it’s been tough very tough, but the best part is that I decided that going forward, we’re focused on the building more than the builders.

The builders we take care of them individually, show them respect like that, and try to remind them why we called them… There’s a problem to be solved.

So we focus on the problem to be solved. We want better. We want things that matter. We need no more chatter, we’re about to put in action for our promises – give our words a little more matter.

*Practically experiencing my best and worst times at the same damn time, it’s crazy. Fighting myself a little if not more than ever… Maybe this time just a little more prepared than the last time, but still yet under-prepared.

It’s a dangerous beautiful world, if not the other way.

I’ve been seeing both sides a lot lately. Call it perspective. Call it misguided. Whatever it is, I am fully it at the moment.

But soon comes the time. I am going to have to choose. And I’d love to get to choose now, then and always.