Know me.

You don’t know me baby. i ain’t perfect baby, you know I wanna be be perfect baby, but look how i slur my words baby.

Look how i’m forgetting You, getting lost in my thoughts thinking the world revolves around me… even forgetting my capitals baby. i’m surprised that i even remembered my full stops this one time.

You don’t know me baby. i want you to know me and speak only the truths about me but i can’t even be honest baby. i want us baby, i want oneness with you and my spirit but i can’t seem to bear the onus baby.

i’m singing the chorus baby, to a song that reflects on my life, I’m twenty one with the future supposedly within my grasp baby. But will i take it? Maybe. The world is cheering for us baby.

But you don’t know me baby. i’m aging into a man but i’m still clumsy like a baby. Caught in my own lie baby, i can’t hold on to anything let alone my beliefs, maybe that’s the reason i find no relief baby.

But i’m gonna try to stay positive baby. i hope this confusion will be brief and end before i throw me or my future off a cliff baby.

i’m waiting for Life to be gentle because like the centre of the world, i’m going mental baby. Look at my dental baby, i’m afraid that soon i won’t be able to handle beef, biting more than i can chew with these fleeting fillings in my emptiness, it’s only a matter of time before i get exposed for a bark with no bite baby.

But you don’t know me baby. Psycho man don’t know me either. Close ones neither. How long till i wither? Check the weather baby, as long as it still rains pain i’ll be staying inside baby.

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Longing

Talk to me about the spirit. Enlighten me. I grow ever closer to the world and further away from God, so I need to be reminded of his Glory.

C.S Lewis made an anology of the weight of Glory. Imagine yourself enjoying a beautiful sunset on the horizon. You admire it’s beauty from afar. Creative minds are crazy because they always try to connect with nature…I need you to put on this mindset.

So there you are, falling in love with a beautiful, orange sunset in the sky. But this love affair feels so one-sided because as much as you stare at this beauty, it never notices you.

So you may ask yourself, why do I long so much for a connection with such beauty, yet my desire to be in it, to be with it and to fully experience it’s majesty, is never fulfilled?

Well maybe the most blunt answer is that the sunset has no life and therefore you can never have such a relationship with it. But if we take a moment to think about this concept called, “longing”, we can look at an everyday phenomenon such as hunger. When you feel hungry, it does not mean that your hunger will be satisfied. But this hunger can serve as an indication that an emptiness can be filled. In this case, some food would do the job.

That is why I am asking you to talk to me about the spirit. Benny Hinn testified in his book, Good morning Holy Spirit, about a particular kind of joy and satisfaction, upon receiving the spirit of God, that came to him from the inside-out.

We humans think so great of ourselves. We think that monetary success and the ability to buy things to satisfy our desires is the key to achieving enjoyment and contentment.

I disagree. The book of Genesis tells us that God made the body of man from the clay if the Earth. He then went on to breathe his spirit into the flesh and that gave man life. We are sensory people here on Earth. We touch, we see, we hear, we take joy into our bodies from the outside-in. How sad.

What about that particular part of us which gives us life? What about the spirit? As long as we remain content with satisfying our urges and senses, I do not believe we are actually living life, but merely sensing. Because life came through the spirit, I think it should be safe to say that the only time a person can say, “I am living”, and not merely alive, is when we begin to find that satisfaction which comes from the inside-out, from the fulfillment of those desires which are pleasurable to the spirit, not the flesh.

The book of Hebrews tells us that everything that is seen comes from the unseen. God and Heaven and the spiritual world is unseen. The spirit is a foreigner on the Earth. That is why the spirit always longs for the heavenly things. That is why a deprived spirit will look to the sunset, which serves as a symbol of heavenly beauty. The spirit longs to know the heavenly, in the hopes that it may one day be reunited with the Glory of its true home.

Then the Christian Bible quotes that man Jesus admitting in Matthew 7:23 “away from me, I never knew you” is what he will say to a spirit which never fulfilled that aspect of relationship with the one who first breathed it into the body of man.

Then, at that moment, the beauty of that sunset which you so longed to experience, to harness, to kiss, to get that notice, the bliss…that will fade away. And woe to me…if that be my fate, may I take up my place in eternal decay.

Gold City Boyz

Gold city boy, so you know my potential is golden. Africa’s capital city, Joburg, our business needs capital transactions.

My talent and movement you cannot apprehend. I’m only appreciated by the apprentences on my right hand. I don’t even bother with many because they die and rest in pretence…it’s always been their common sense.

I’m trying to make moves in my confidence, while keeping check of my arrogance to keep my conscience in balance.

Trying to keep my beliefs away from thoughts that make me waiver. So I made a wager, going all in or nothing never leaves me with nothing. Even when I lose I gain pain from that experience until the next time I do it again.

I’ve still got dreams of a young me in a Volkswagen Citi, cruising through the city to where my home boys been smoking like chimneys.

Then you ask me, why you gotta go back to your old ways, conform to your glory days only to regret it tomorrow as always?

I don’t know. There’s just something about the boys. They understand that part of me that loves the noise. And anyways, I only do it twice a month, only show up when least expected and put a sock in the mouth of haters who disrespected.

I’m not accustomed to perfection. It always gives a fake reflection. That’s why I always leave room for mistakes in every selection.

But is that wrong of me? I’m certainly waiting to grow out of It, but how long will that be? I’m waiting to see, I like an underdog story that ends in victory.

Character Flaw

It came to a point when I realised that nobody was actually listening. Five years later at gatherings or some random reunion, I became accustomed to the melodies on the beat of your chuckles saying, “When he talked, we just nodded and he’d go on, didn’t even realise that we wasn’t really listening” …hahaHaaA!

If I bore you so much, you could have just told me. I could have become a writer much sooner. But I’m here now, got an audience and they find no offence in my rumbling.

Instead they say, “So young you are, yet so wise beyond your years” …thank You, but really what else is there for me to do?

There’s no mandatory military service to put me in, no sustainable work on offer…I’m lucky to have this privilege of tertiary education, just trying to avoid getting stuck with minimum wage in a spicy downtown butchery.

Ironic because I wound up simply in a different skin-type of butchery. The discounted special of the day is your sense of self-worth and long-term health. The only thing I’ve got going for me is my appeal, that’s why I’ll do whatever it takes to appear grounded and clear of any upheaval. I’m so afraid of getting chopped, swept away and getting cropped out of pictures, and missing out on the newest cocktail mixtures…because this is the stuff that really matters really – much more than career fixtures and future whatnot…

I’m not even wise actually. It hurt me a little when I realised that. I believe wisdom to be the ability to discern and make decisions that will produce positive by-product. As for me, I am able to see the writing on the wall, yet consciously fail to apply the element of conduct. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to KFC“.

That’s a proper kick in the gut kind of character flaw ain’t it? Where’s Shakespeare when you need him? Maybe he would have been able to make all of these at least worthy of being a successful life failure story when I’m dead. But there is no Shakespeare, and my flaws still exists, so I’ll just have to be that guy who goes through the entirety of life in mid-life crisis from a lack of Will Power.

Started so sweet, but now sour. You are a sower and that is what you’ll reap. Life is no cheap thrill I can assure you – even peace will pressure you. Generations will measure you on how many graduations ushered You. And I’m not talking about degrees on paper, no, life has set us all up for a class or two…and her curriculum tests you before giving the lesson.

Imagine that. Imagine loving….oh no…that’s surely a story for another day. A story for a time when I will have some real answers maybe…

Breaking Bars

Meditation for internal stimulation, I’m going through hibernation, looking for peace and relaxation because lately I’ve been anxious too much.

I’ve been tested too much, but instead of preparing for the challenge, I turn to texting too much. It’s September but I’ve been having the same battles since March.

I’m starting to feel like a man I don’t like. I’m starting to see negativity brewing in my guts. I’ve been complaining so much I think I need a break. Take jog to the store for a Kit Kat and while at it, break a sweat or two…really I’ll do anything to break this chain of solitude.

I mean. I’m young, restless and ambitious…but this transition can be so overwhelming that it starts to feel like prison. It’s one thing to be tortured, but it’s a whole other chronicle when your biggest enemy is your own mind…Oops, that sounds like complaining.

No I’m no longer complaining. And soon I’ll also stop campaigning. I’ve been crying my heart into a spectacle for people who only think about champagning…Everybody else is popping and here I am pooping, talking a whole load of “truth” crap about love and peace, so I don’t know why I get so shocked when I’m feeling flushed.

But no, I’m young and I’m free, not old drinking tea, I should also go out on a spree. I should just go back to finding joy in participation medals, getting indebted by flashy metals and arriving in sports car rentals – owning nothing but my ego, paying no attention to civil ethos, look up to the Migos, disrespect national heroes, and while at it, care less about Global warming in Barbados…

Because the world doesn’t care as long someone else is on it. Instead you advocate selfishness…so I too shall own it.

Circumstantial Humility

When you have been a vegetarian through circumstance, it’s hard to become a vegetarian by choice.

My experience with poverty takes me back to the days as a young barefooted lad in the dusty gravel roads of Limpopo, one of the poorest provinces in South Africa.

On those days, I can mildly remember, inter alia, having visitors over as being one of the best days ever. When the guests were around, we would have cold drink as a treat. The treat of cold drink made me so happy back then, that even today, I see the coca cola emblem as a luxury.

I would be so happy to have that cold drink, that I even began to perform tricks with my single cup of it. I would take a few clean sips to massage my tongue a little – then I would pour the last bits of it onto the carpet. Then I would use my empty cup to scoop back my drink and refill my joy and drink it all up to complete my trick.

It didn’t go down well with my grandmother though. No – not one bit!

But while she reacted angrily at my dirty behaviours, the guests would give out a little laugh, saying something like, “boys will be boys”…haha – and that was the point of it all anyways – to get the guests buzzed up by my presence.

In the city where I eventually moved to, you will find young men my age with modified sports cars that are too expensive for me to even dream about. And they too still do these tricks to flatter their guests. They spin the whip until the tyre threads are no more – I assume if their parents saw this, they would react just as my granny used to react to my cold drink tricks…and then you will be sure to hear, “Boys will be boys”…followed by the “haha” – I presume.

So yeah. Back to being a vegetarian through circumstance. It is normal for bad, or poor circumstances to motivate a person… Especially when those who had more used to flash it all in your face. You also want to achieve that so that you can have your moment in the spot light – spinning whips until the tyre threads are no more.

But then there’s David. The guy who used a sling to defeat and kill that giant named Goliath. David was a humble farm boy too, and prior to him killing that beast of a man – the King and leader of the army, Saul, had promised that whomever could kill Goliath would be rewarded with the King’s own daughter’s hand in marriage.

However, after David killed this beast, and it came time for his reward… David rejected this honour, saying ; “Who am I, and what is my family in Israel that I should be the King’s son-in-law?…My father’s family is nothing.”

What? Dude, this is your chance. Can you not see that you are being taken up from the drinks and carpets to the threadless tyres of the rich?

Mmmh. My mind is bamboozled! All this time I cannot even begin to imagine myself going back to those days of having a plate full of cabbage and spinach topped with a big chunk of maize meal and water to wash it down…but this man here rejects this upgrade because…

wait…why did he reject that?

The Christian bible is said to be the word of God. When we read it, they tell us, “read it to try and find the face of God”.

Mmmh. So if I can just try to make sense out of this, I guess I have to say that maybe this is how God’s face looks like. David had done that trick which got him recognised. But he rejected the reward for it because maybe he felt, or knew that he was not ready in his heart to have such an honour. After all, with great power comes great responsibility. So maybe David can teach me that sometimes my purpose and dreams have already been set for me…but I need to make sure that I have the necessary amount of control and respect for it to make sure that I do not misuse it or lose it.

So maybe one day I will be able to return to the vegetarian days by choice. But while I am still where I am in thought, will and ability, maybe I just have to be a little more patient and humble before I can go out there and actually make a difference in the world.

1 Samuel 18:17

Coming out…

As I look at the city and see the beautiful lights that shine in this night. I appreciate this view. But then during the day, I struggle to appreciate the magnificent sun, the mother of all the light that I know.

And even now, as I look up to the stars, I know you created each and everyone of them – why? I really don’t know – but they are beautiful.

And even this talent that you have given me. To write simple words such as these and to have them appreciated and enjoyed by people who have eyes to see them on this screen, and a beautiful mind to comprehend them…surely it is you who is behind all of this.

And this beautiful little talent which you have given me, the same talent I am so afraid to use to say, “God created this”, because I am afraid that my readers will fail to comprehend you. I can’t even comprehend you.

And these drugs which I find myself now so addicted to. It is you who gave the man who made it – the mind to put together the right ingredients to make it. And now here I am asking that you will free me from it…because even the science that went into the making of these, it was you who put it together.

So why am I so afraid to acknowledge you? You who gave me this mouth and nostrils that breathe in this air, and the lungs that know just how to convert each breath into life…so that I may live another day to see that car that my eyes so love…the sound that comes from its engine – your wonderful engineering that went into it, I fail to see.

I fail to see your wonderful hand that went into your creation, and your powerful hand that is still upon me and even on the man who will see this and read in disbelief of how ignorant I must be to think that a fairytale like you could make all that is so real…to me it’s surreal…but one day you will reveal…and your glory will prevail for all mankind to turn back to you – my little big fantasy…you are one fantastic fiction, causing this friction between my intellect and your authority…

Please sustain your superiority. Prove me not right in the words that I write here, but reveal your heart so that we can see that part of you…that part of you which we know as judgement – oh God, you are good and I am not.