distance, Friendship, Love, miss you, Relationships

Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

They say Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that’s an obvious result of all the time that we spend in wonder. Because now that you’re away, all I do is ponder, I can’t clear my mind from the thoughts of you, the memories and the fears that continuously rain into my head causing a stormy thunder. I miss you.


It took me a while to stop fighting the fact within myself that I’m missing you. It’s only been a day without you, but a day without my best friend, the person I spend everyday with is more than I can handle at this moment in time.

I remember you were on your phone and I was on mine. We were not even talking but your presence was warm enough. You turned and let it out, “You’ll miss me when the year ends and we go our separate ways.”     And yet the danger didn’t quite register, that we live practically on opposite ends of the country, because we still continued to live as if tomorrow would never come.


Five Things I Hate About Missing Someone Special:

1. My Own Insecurities

I guess I have to start with my own insecurities because most of my problems come from the fact that I overthink too much. I create scenarios in my head, like what if you bump into so-and-so and go out on a wild night and end up doing something that could leave my heart broken?

I create so many fictional scenarios, but the biggest problem is the fact that whenever the thought is bad, it always seems much realer than my good thoughts. Ouch!

And after reconsideration of the first point, I’ve realized that I won’t actually be sharing FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MISSING SOMEONE SPECIAL , instead I will share One thing – which is my Insecurities, and then the other four will be examples of the insecurities. Let’s go!

2. What’s going on in your head?

So I’ve already mentioned what happens in my head when I’m missing you. Now I’m left here wondering, Are you also missing me the same way I miss you? I wonder if you are having fun doing all the things you do with your family and friends back home. Obviously I want you to have a great time, but I just wish somewhere in there you spare some time to think of me.

I hope you’re also holding yourself back from clicking my number on the phone and calling me for the third time today. Well, I already clicked the button, took me straight to voicemail, so I hope the first thing you do when you see my missed call is get back to me and break me out of this craze of uncertainty.

3. Who’s texting you trying to “catch up”?

You’ve been out of the city and away at University, far from home, far from all your friends that you left behind and all the others who chose different paths. But now is that time of the year, everybody is back home for the festive season. There’s going to be a lot of high school reunions, especially with the way you loved your days in School.

And I know how guys think. Someone is going to look at you and see how much you have grown and how beautiful you’ve become. So I just hope you will be able to tell the difference from the wolves and the sheep, even if they suddenly seem to wear the same clothing.

I’m even starting to think about those nerdy dudes that you had little crushes on back in primary school. What if they rock up and take you back to memories that I cannot compete with, get you lost and naive, and then you make mistakes that leave me weak?

4. What if the journey proves too long?

I once dated a beautiful girl who lived in another city, so we did the whole Long-Distance relationship thing. At the time I trusted much easier because I focused my trust on me and her. But I remember someone once asked me, “Dude, your girlfriend is so hot, she gets asked out by multiple times daily…What are the odds that in a year of 365 days, she will say NO each and everyday?”     haha, at the time I didn’t let it affect me. But after a confusing Break up which I did not see coming, I started to suspect that somebody had planted a bad seed in my beautiful garden, or worse, had eaten from it.

And so that is one of the many things that linger in my mind today, What if you just cannot hold on to the promise that we will get back to each other soon? I learnt not to lean too much on yesterday’s victories because today’s problems attack today’s mindset, so I hope you’ll still be strong enough to endure the temptations.

5. What if you start to see how imperfect I am?

I’m so far from perfect but you treat me like I’m one in a million. I’m so far from perfect and I’m scared that you might actually start seeing it by looking at the previous four points above. Does it make me look emotionally weak? does it make me less of a man?

I take comfort in these fears from a song by the singer Passenger, the lyrics claim, “They say fear is for the brave – The cowards never stare it in the eye”…And I hate to expose you here, but you did say that his music bored you when I payed it for us, so maybe you will also think his views on bravery are just as skewed.

And what about my many other flaws? you might start to see them clearer now that you have stepped out of the box a little. Now that you are out of the smoke room, you might be able to smell the fire and slowly start to lose your desire for this thing that we have, and maybe even acquire a taste of a different kind of guy dressed some flashy attire…



Author’s Perspective

Thank you for stopping by to read this Post on “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”. As you can see, I’ve adopted here, the view that this “fondness” comes from fear. I am pretty sure that I will learn more on this when the time is due. But right now, I think TRUST is all that I would have to apply to deal with these insecurities and fears. What do you think? Please find the comment button if you have some advice or reaction. Thank you.

 

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Friendship, Love, Relationships

Love is not Enough

Love is stronger than most, when I’m lost, getting back to you is the force behind my motive. Love reminds me that I’ve got to get in motion, to get back to you in order to overcome the constant, almost torturing thoughts of you that beautifully and frighteningly torment me from the inside-out.

And it’s this beautiful fear that makes me say that love is not enough. You know how my thoughts love to wander, you’ve heard how my tongue sometimes stutters, and you’ve seen how my eyes uncontrollably linger in places that they probably shouldn’t. And what about my fingers, my hands just want to hold on to anything that presents itself as an opportunity…no, love is not enough.

Everything is an art. Science is an art, and art is a science. Nothing is just, and that’s because everything needs understanding. And how can you understand something? Well, you have to put the pieces together if you want that.

And that’s why love is not enough. Love is just another piece in the puzzle. Love is probably the biggest and most important, and don’t forget, rarest piece in the puzzle. Love is not enough because one day I’m not going to be around to hold your hand and make you feel safe in my arms. My presence won’t be around in every moment to keep the predators away. I’m not always going to be near to keep your emotions intact. And sadly, I’m not always going to be there to play along with your fantasies and make you believe that you and I can really take on this big old world together. no.

And when I’m gone, I am going to need to know that I am not forsaken. You know I always need to know that I’m not being taken for granted. I’m going to need to trust that your loyalty was not simply being paid for by the convenience of my availability. And you will also need that trust. That when I’m gone, no matter the miles ahead, nor the time in between will prove too tempting when I begin to run empty on the memories of your comforting smile and all the beautiful things you do unintentionally, effortlessly and unknowing that those are the things that keep me running back to you before nightfall each day.

Yes, the things that you do unintentionally. I’m talking about all the little sacrifices that go a long way at filling the gaps in one another that make us feel so much stronger when we are together. The way you always choose the kind route when I’m so fixed on being right, and whatever it is that I do that carries you through the tears of a stressful day. I’m telling you, love is not enough.

Patience in my times of worry, humility over your pride, these are the things we need to carry in every stride. Jealousy is cute when it shows that you care, but you always show gratitude for my littlest efforts. I swear these things give me comfort. Confront me when I have wronged you even just a little, because communication once saved a nation I tell you. Silly jokes and tickles to remind us of our youth, let’s just enjoy all of these and friendship because love is not enough.

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Friendship

Gold City Boyz

Gold city boy, so you know my potential is golden. Africa’s capital city, Joburg, our business needs capital transactions.

My talent and movement you cannot apprehend. I’m only appreciated by the apprentences on my right hand. I don’t even bother with many because they die and rest in pretence…it’s always been their common sense.

I’m trying to make moves in my confidence, while keeping check of my arrogance to keep my conscience in balance.

Trying to keep my beliefs away from thoughts that make me waiver. So I made a wager, going all in or nothing never leaves me with nothing. Even when I lose I gain pain from that experience until the next time I do it again.

I’ve still got dreams of a young me in a Volkswagen Citi, cruising through the city to where my home boys been smoking like chimneys.

Then you ask me, why you gotta go back to your old ways, conform to your glory days only to regret it tomorrow as always?

I don’t know. There’s just something about the boys. They understand that part of me that loves the noise. And anyways, I only do it twice a month, only show up when least expected and put a sock in the mouth of haters who disrespected.

I’m not accustomed to perfection. It always gives a fake reflection. That’s why I always leave room for mistakes in every selection.

But is that wrong of me? I’m certainly waiting to grow out of It, but how long will that be? I’m waiting to see, I like an underdog story that ends in victory.

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betrayal, fake, Friendship, masked, Uncategorized

Fake People.

So many of us spend anxious hours thinking that something we have never had is going to bring us into greener pastures.

Failing to see that those who do have it spend sleepless hours trying to fight off the demons that come with it.

I speak in such a manner that you better hope I stay at the bottom, that way I’ll remain humble and you can excuse everything I say as unproven.

But at the end of the day, I don’t see you, don’t feel you and I certainly don’t hear you.

But I do smell you, after all I am not senseless, you smell like a Rat.

You are the type of person to instigate and conspire with us ways to reach emancipation and peace but when the time comes to cross the bridge you pull out life jackets and everyman is for himself.

That’s why I never fail to evaluate before I graduate every acquaintance, there’s degrees before speaking of friendship – if I ever let my guard down you’d probably land me in an obituary transcript.

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Friendship, life choices, Love, money, Relationships, Uncategorized

Alone with Money

He could not take it anymore, the pressure and the waiting. How was he supposed to know that the money and the women would never satisfy a brewing death from within?

A big man on the brink of Obesity and his Soul is starving. Every night he does not know why his Rover isn’t enough. It’s big enough but there isn’t room for it on the road to the afterlife.

How can you blame her for thinking so smart? She’s hungry, going to bed on an empty stomach is no fitness routine. So she took this precious beauty and hung out it with a price…at least now she can see it’s value – it’s put some food in her mouth.

“I’m doing what I have to do” is what he’ll tell you. “I can’t afford to play around while accumulating these debts, I’ll get this degree just before I get rich and then I’ll take all my boys out and we’ll celebrate by the beach” – but how was he supposed to know that thinking for the future could cost him the gift that was the present and now the boys are no more, they’ve moved on with their wives…

And now you’ve got an old man chasing around young girls trying to make up for his wasted days of youth. But his body is not the same now, the alcohol doesn’t go down as it used to – now lying on a hospital bed with nobody by his side…

How was he supposed to know that he needed somebody that would care to be there? How was he supposed to know he needed somebody for better or for worse?

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dreams, Friendship, Short Story, Uncategorized

I dreamt about you

I dreamt about you last night, I don’t know where it came from but it reminded me that true Friendship is more powerful than distance and time.

It’s been a decade since we bid our farewells on our last day of high school. You and I refused to admit that it could be Goodbye, so we agreed on “Until I see you again”. How young and foolish of us to think we could get the better end of time’s harsh stick of reality.

Anyways, I saw you in this dream and you finally had it all under control. You made it out of college and your career was waiting for you on your porch and you’ve been alright ever since.

You fulfilled your promises and got your mother that house on the countryside where she can grow her daisies and tomatoes…she sells them in a street corner in their quiet retirement town every Thursday as an excuse to get her nose into everybody’s affairs. Your dad is even more stubborn than he was in those stories you used to tell me in English class. He refuses help from the local boys when he loads the stock into the Ford you finally bought for him, but it wouldn’t be wise for me to undermine a man with such gray hairs sticking proudly out of his shinny scalp.

I assume you are now finally over Quinton, he put you through so much and almost had you giving up on Love. You have those perfect twins just like your favourite singer Beyonce and I’m actually glad your husband found you because now maybe the rest of us guys have a chance with the ladies. You guys seem genuinely good for each other. You rescued him from alcoholic habits and he saved you from yourself. Yep I definitely think you’re over Quinton.

I remember your head was just as messy as mine, but now you’ve got your head thinking straight. You can actually concentrate now – there’s no more little flower and heart drawings on every page corner in your book and no you did not end up creating your own comic book…and your emails did not convince cartoon network to bring back “the good old-school cartoons like FlapJack and Chowder. And now I wonder if you really wanted the cartoons or if you were just hungry.

We did bump into each other the other morning at Starbucks though. You ran up to me like nothing’s changed and you gave me a hug I can carry into next week. I struggled to hold a decent conversation, cheap ques about how your life has been were all I could afford…but the smile on your face brought back no change and I had no choice but to let you run off to collect your beloved “fresh muffins and coffee for breakfast”.

There’s a lot I should have asked you for old time’s sake, but it wasn’t a dream about me…so you continued on as you made life seem so easy and I guess your faith in God paid off. You always worried about how you would survive in a world where everyone else made you feel bad for refusing to go out on Friday nights, I hope you’re now realising that you did well to stand out – even if it cost you many lonely nights.

I however don’t know what happened to my life. I tried to live right but I was always in inner-battle between a heart that seeks God and a Mind that had been corrupted by the world…ah and look now I’m back to talking about myself – that’s always been the case – that’s the lack of self-control I’ve always suffered from and the need to always be heard which I now believe is a disguised cry-out for help in the hopes that somebody who has been through the same thing can just reach out and guide me, bring me in from the cold and tame this beastly brain…

Ah see now I’m losing focus once again. So let me stop myself because this wasn’t about me, this was about you. I dreamt about you.

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Friendship, inspiration, south africa, Uncategorized

2018: Green Light

“There is no such thing as Failure – Only Lessons”.

The hairs on my head cannot count the times I have tried to remind myself of this concept, it’s almost become the Jam to my Peanut-Butter.

For the first time in this life I have come out short. From a year where I did very little in the efforts of planting my seeds – The fruits I harvest are bitter. I guess that’s what I deserve because way too often I found myself content with my tasteless produce, satisfied with Average scores that put me just over the line.

It’s not that Law is a particularly difficult degree for me. I just cannot stand to sit – sit for hours on hours studying (such a bore)! Well of course it’s a bore, this is all rather new to me. I breezed through High School without openning many books, and hurdled all other obstacles since then and to this point I have never seen a book from beginning to end without missing most of the middles. I really never needed to invest that much time.

Poor time management, a lack of faith in my work and 3 months later I’m here in 2018 aiming for Change. What have I changed? Well – I’ve moved out of my previous residence and I’m trying to outgrow my Comfort-Zone. What’s new?– Coffee to keep me awake in class (lol), More reading to keep me up-to-date with my lectures – Library lady get ready!! This year I’ll throw a party at the funeral…the day I bury Procrastination.

I pray for more Wisdom oh Lord. Yesteryear I achieved so much. The Gracious Salvation, and Baptism, as I left behind the powers of Sin. The Holy Bible has become my favourite written Word. Lord you’ve even made me a leader amongst your people…all this and it’s just a pity that my mother is forced to look at the negatives because all this seems to have come at the expense of my studies. Mama’s Working her wallet for my studies, I’m beginning to feel like a walking drill but I’m this low and it’s by time I find some diamonds because I know I cannot afford to be here too long…

But Faith remains the Substance of all things hoped for…This year I’m taking control of my life and remembering that a wise Father cannot Give his prized Possessions to an immature Son. So let me help myself to grow to learn how to manage my time, to prioritise and surely success will fill my eyes.

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fiction, Friendship, friendzone, Love, secrets

I Love you But You’ll never know

Three kids, a modest double storey house, a BMW SUV for me and for you, a decent mini bus to take the kids to soccer.

This picture plays like a movie in my head every night before I sleep. It is the story of our perfect little family – Yeah I’ve thought that far, that’s how much I love you. Day and after day, Monday to Friday from behind your seat in English class I imagine our love, our first kiss, your perky brown lips and your silky brown hair…You’re my indian Princess and I’m your African King.

We’re best friends you and I, I always say that but I lie to myself everyday. I want us to be lovers. We text everyday, I always try to sneak a flirt and you always play dumb. You ask me who owns my heart, almost as if you want me to confess your name. But I’m too scared. I’d rather have you as a friend than have you as nothing at all.

See this love is almost forbidden. You’re a beautiful Indian princess and I’m just an awkward black boy who’s lost his mind- or at least that’s what my friends say. But it’s true, in our community I can only imagine how much slander you’d get for being in love with a “blackie”. I know you’re a strong woman but I don’t think you’ll survive this one.

So I’ll continue to watch you, admire you from a distance with nothing but Coldplay to make me feel worse. But I’ll hold on until next year, I’ll be going to varsity and I’ll make sure to get as far away from you as possible…maybe I’ll be able to forget you – I hope I’ll be able to move on.

Then I’ll probably bump into you in the summer. A lot will have changed by then, you’ll probably show me a new engagement ring – maybe for once I might actually not lie when i say, “I’m happy for you”. But until then, I still Love you but You’ll never know.

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blogging, Friendship, Love, Uncategorized

Blogging, My new found Love.

Alone I sit in my dark room, it’s about midnight in Johannesburg, South Africa. Okay, so I’ve never been a huge fan of Social media – my last Whatsapp chat ended about an hour ago and I’m not about to go DM some stranger for a cheap conversation about how pretty her hair is on her latest Instagram post.

Instead, I’m checking my Emails. It’s the WordPress notifications telling me that I’ve caught another follower and she’s brought two new likes along with her. She probably doesn’t know it, but her fiddle on that like button has just put a smile on my face – this is the Fiftieth person who doesn’t think I’m talking nonsense 😄

I notice another Email, this one is a bit older but I guess I missed it when I checked ten minutes ago. It’s a comment, “well written” it reads and I might as well jump through the roof…this is awesome. I only started this blog because I talk too much and didn’t want to bother people anymore, but here are a bunch of strangers from all over the World – bothering themselves by reading through my Blog posts…”Wow I love them”.

And now I am addicted – Addicted to the affection and now I just want to write more. I want to pour out my ideas and these thoughts which I once thought were crowding my mind, well now I can finally air them out. I can create a world for my thoughts and they can finally be the star of the show. I’ve always wanted to be the best but way too often I have been the Jack of all trades but master of none. But here, writing, I’m a natural and all I want to do is impress.

But first, let me write this post. I’ll write it now while I’m still beginning. I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to view my Blog, read my stuff, like my content, Follow and especially those who have left me some feedback…as much as this started as a hobby, it has become a gateway to achieving my dreams. But until then I just want to make all my readers happy to waste a minute or two inside my handwriting. Love you ❤

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Family, Friendship, Love, Relationships

The First Post: LOVE

A friend of mine told me that in order for one to Win in this World there has to be a Loser to compensate and keep the Balance. He told me that there is no time to bring emotions into this cruel world because that will keep me from the money. I agreed with him in this regard because that is the value of money. When everybody has it, it becomes meaningless. I can only ever know I am poor when I have seen a rich person.

So that is the value of money and that is how it was meant to work. But now we have adapted the same system into our love lives and we only value our loved ones when they are no longer around. The morning kisses from your mother, the routine hug from your best friend and even that awkward attention from your crush…we only realise how good they made us feel when they’re no longer within reach.

So I thought of this briefly before I could end the conversation with my friend and I came to the conclusion that I CANNOT completely ignore my emotions because I am afraid of a world with no love. A world with no sympathy and a world where it’s “Every man for himself”…long story short, I started this blog in the hopes that I can encourage our hearts to beat once more in the name of love.

Because the value of Love is in contrast with the value of money. The value of Love is such that when everyone has it – that is the moment it becomes most effective.

Give Love a chance, it will not be easy, but it may just start a chain reaction in your heart which you can never turn back from. And that’s the kind of addiction this world needs

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