flaws, Uncategorized

Character Flaw

It came to a point when I realised that nobody was actually listening. Five years later at gatherings or some random reunion, I became accustomed to the melodies on the beat of your chuckles saying, “When he talked, we just nodded and he’d go on, didn’t even realise that we wasn’t really listening” …hahaHaaA!

If I bore you so much, you could have just told me. I could have become a writer much sooner. But I’m here now, got an audience and they find no offence in my rumbling.

Instead they say, “So young you are, yet so wise beyond your years” …thank You, but really what else is there for me to do?

There’s no mandatory military service to put me in, no sustainable work on offer…I’m lucky to have this privilege of tertiary education, just trying to avoid getting stuck with minimum wage in a spicy downtown butchery.

Ironic because I wound up simply in a different skin-type of butchery. The discounted special of the day is your sense of self-worth and long-term health. The only thing I’ve got going for me is my appeal, that’s why I’ll do whatever it takes to appear grounded and clear of any upheaval. I’m so afraid of getting chopped, swept away and getting cropped out of pictures, and missing out on the newest cocktail mixtures…because this is the stuff that really matters really – much more than career fixtures and future whatnot…

I’m not even wise actually. It hurt me a little when I realised that. I believe wisdom to be the ability to discern and make decisions that will produce positive by-product. As for me, I am able to see the writing on the wall, yet consciously fail to apply the element of conduct. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to KFC“.

That’s a proper kick in the gut kind of character flaw ain’t it? Where’s Shakespeare when you need him? Maybe he would have been able to make all of these at least worthy of being a successful life failure story when I’m dead. But there is no Shakespeare, and my flaws still exists, so I’ll just have to be that guy who goes through the entirety of life in mid-life crisis from a lack of Will Power.

Started so sweet, but now sour. You are a sower and that is what you’ll reap. Life is no cheap thrill I can assure you – even peace will pressure you. Generations will measure you on how many graduations ushered You. And I’m not talking about degrees on paper, no, life has set us all up for a class or two…and her curriculum tests you before giving the lesson.

Imagine that. Imagine loving….oh no…that’s surely a story for another day. A story for a time when I will have some real answers maybe…

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myself, Uncategorized

Be Myself

And if I lose myself for the sake of finding myself and then I find myself without You? Would I still be myself? What is me without you but a mere stranger walking on the other side of the street?

But then what is me with you but not with myself?

I guess the question lies in the possibility that I was predestined for you, which would mean that with you I am myself. But am I really myself or am I yours?

The other option would be for me to be myself and that would mean that I chose to be myself with you. But that makes me wonder, what if I had chosen for myself to be not with You?

See I am with you and I am asking these questions. If I had chosen myself without You, would I still have been asking these questions? Or maybe I would have been too busy living as myself to find time for these questions.

But what if I am only living because I am with you and I am so blessed that I am able to even ask?

I wonder if some of my heroes ever asked these questions. I wonder if I laughed while Robin Williams asked for himself, or if maybe I was too busy dancing while Avicii was pondering.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop writing these words. I wonder if I’m even writing these words. I wonder – if I do stop writing these words – will you wonder if I got my answers?

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art, poetry, Uncategorized, words

Contentment

Contentment…I treat this word with contempt. Trying to pay attention to only the positive content but something always wants to tempt.

Resentment is an overwhelming feeling I have to admit. Trying to stay optimistic under the pressure to submit.

I have this head that feels like it’s not connected to a neck. It sounds weird to say but it is even more weird to live with it.

In this head I live most of my life while my body operates on auto. Sometimes my head wanders off into the distance, chasing the horizon and when it does this I don’t even notice until I find myself examining hieroglyphics in Cairo.

I stand in the shower looking over at your life – I see your kids, your street and the rat poison in your kitchen corners and the luck in between that’s keeping your toddler from eating the tainted cheese.

I ask my head, why are you so messed up? What did I do to make you like this? How can I ever become a better person when you always say that isn’t enough? And why do you even bother to make me think this way if you won’t give me the answers?

My head never answers and I’m left with the blame. I’m trying to focus like all the other robots in my class but you want to make me feel special. You tell me there’s something better to do and distract me from reality…

O’ yes, I know there isn’t any better. I don’t know why you lie to me.

Discipline Discipline blah-blah-blah, if I don’t control you, I might go tah-tah-tah. Label me lazy for a daydream that never seems to end. This is how it always goes, I get a nice thought and begin to write about it and it starts off well until I get to this point and my head gets out of it and all I’m left with are fingers picking letters composing words, makes sense or not doesn’t really matter coz IDGAF, I’m a Millennial so you already know my problem…

I’m lazy and entitled is what they say. I’m crazy and delusional to think the world revolves around me. But you told me I could be anything from President to astronaut, you put no limits. But now I’m here to claim it and you resist, so I persist in my head to imagine – to dream of me on mars bearing Columbus’ scars! I heard that history repeats itself so I wanna be on the front line when she comes, not stuck in a cubical surrounded with pastings of motivational quotes from people who beat the system only to become the system and take turns on our lives, dopamine dopamine dopamine – I’m a junky, you’re my hit, I feel all fuzzy inside…Roses are red but I’m pansy inside.

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betrayal, fake, Friendship, masked, Uncategorized

Fake People.

So many of us spend anxious hours thinking that something we have never had is going to bring us into greener pastures.

Failing to see that those who do have it spend sleepless hours trying to fight off the demons that come with it.

I speak in such a manner that you better hope I stay at the bottom, that way I’ll remain humble and you can excuse everything I say as unproven.

But at the end of the day, I don’t see you, don’t feel you and I certainly don’t hear you.

But I do smell you, after all I am not senseless, you smell like a Rat.

You are the type of person to instigate and conspire with us ways to reach emancipation and peace but when the time comes to cross the bridge you pull out life jackets and everyman is for himself.

That’s why I never fail to evaluate before I graduate every acquaintance, there’s degrees before speaking of friendship – if I ever let my guard down you’d probably land me in an obituary transcript.

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rubber, shoes, soul, Uncategorized

Rubber Souls

I need those shoes with the rubber soles, they’re trendy, I think they’ll look cool. I could do with those shoes with the rubber soles to be flexible on any terrain.

I need those shoes with the rubber soles, but I could do without a rubber soul, I need to be consistent come rain or shine.

I need some walking shoes with the rubber soles just in case I need to run for my life, from these desperate criminals and maybe crooked cops. I need those shoes with the rubber soles, I saw Mandela wearing something similar on his long walk to freedom.

I need those shoes with the rubber soles, they’re comfortable enough for a walk in the park. However, if you ever want to take a walk in my shoes, don’t let the rubber soles confuse you – there’s a lot of places I’ve been that cannot be erased.

Those shoes with the rubber soles have taken me places you couldn’t imagine. In them I’ve hopped in and out of the drug dealer’s den. But those shoes with the rubber soles are priceless, they’ve gotten me so many compliments and I want that again.

Yes these are the footprints I made in my shoes with the rubber soles, they’re worn out now but I still keep them clean…if only it was as easy to do the same with my soul.

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African, black, Black power, Uncategorized

being! BLACK

Fifty shades of black. Light complexion, creamed perfection and Dark. Dark perceptions and bad expectations all leading to a bad black experience, no explanation for a forever damned nation – feels like a failed experiment.

Nappy hair from top to bottom, a struggle to comb – it’s been a struggle since we came out the womb. Ratchet hair matching my ratchet stare that sends the neighbours into hiding, behind tall white walls where police are waiting on speed-dial calls.

When he came with silky curtains covering what he truly had up his sleeve. We wondered while he pondered the best way to make away with everything he could reach with his perfect hands. “Tomatoes and carrots, I’ll take a bunch of that for this leather on my toes“.

We gave it to him, fair trade, next time he came he shot a few for game. It was the first Demonstration of the demon of our frustration. Here’s some candy, it’s a sweet gesture, I’ll need half of your sugar cane when I’ll return again to give you a bunch of these with which your very brothers lay slain.

It’s backward minded, the ways of your culture, here’s some infrastructure – you can thank me later. Have some cheese, shred it with a grater, I promise this life is greater – sail back with me you can be my waiter. The life of picking carrots is redundant like a parrot, give me some of your carats and I’ll return with a food that never rots.

It’s called school, it will save you from your life as a fool. You’ll starve to fund it but in the end you’ll get a job you will be full. Remember when I brought you that candy, you were living in that ragged place too sandy. But now You’re no longer like those others, the sight of them just bothers, and so too does you calling them your brothers.

The dark ones are just unbearable – They make fitting criminals, I feel less guilty beating The ugly. And why are they always so rowdy, I’m glad you’ve lost that savagery, you’re so much more ruly. But I must say truly, the women are rather creamy, curved so fully – I should have took one for when I’m lonely.

Take me back to my father’s garden where we picked tomatoes and carrots and feasted on a fattened beast. They took that from us with an infrastructure and a never rotting food which they manufacture. They took me with them, taught me their ways and their tongue and then told me to buy organic.

Why do you bother, you have grown softer and you no longer speak the tongue of your mother. Nice curtains you’ve got on there, we will try not to discomfot you with our stares just in case you also seek cover up in your stairs covered by white walls and a system that calls the police to keep us out.

Welcome to the new world brother, we sit in the middle, between creamy desserts and Dark. Our people have forsaken us, those people should never have taken us to those schools because now we are the fools, swimming in pools of blue paid for by the price of the red pools of the slain. Now my brain has been washed but somewhere inside there it still rain and thunder constantly as I ponder if there will ever be a way to return to Black

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self acceptance, truth, Uncategorized

Truth Hurts.

I couldn’t stand being rejected, so I rejected. I couldn’t bear the weakness, so I suppressed. I couldn’t risk being cheated so I cheated first.

The truth is a tough pill to swallow but it heals the wounds that the eyes cannot see and the flesh prefers not to feel. The lies are so comforting, not taking the pain away but turning me to another direction and wheeling me further away from the pain of having your life-long dreams lying slain in plain sight, all that little boy called “me” wanted to do was board a plane for the first time and fly off to see Spain.

Growing up afraid of the dark and now I’m so dark deep inside where the sun don’t shine, until the day when the devil says “now you’re mine” and doctor’s flashing that light into your intestine concluding your autopsy – “too much wine”, your death is nothing devine and your mama is left to whine over your graduation picture captioned “The world is mine”.

The truth hurts, that means your happiness is a lie and that’s why you’re so offended every time God enters the conversation, telling you that he knows the drill – the devil just wants to kill – and steal – destroy. If you’re looking for some muscle you’ve got to lift some real weights. And if you’re looking for knowledge you’ve got to read some real books – Oh if you’re looking for some joy you’ve got to seek the real you.

The comfort zone is a prison cell, a rotting hell – leave some bread there for a week and you will tell, do the same with some cheese and you could sell. Some billion people out in the world and I chose to live in a shell, I can’t take the criticism but I need their love to fill a “me” museum big enough to rival the colosseum. And if somebody threatens to dent my pride, I’ll run him over and film it for the world to see him.

I told you I’m afraid of rejection so I came up with my own objection of everybody and everything and there was no exception until it became a real obsession which turned out to be a sad reflection – that I’ve become the very thing that I feared and hated and now my childhood dream to change the world is looking outdated and I might not ever get to shout out a loud and proud, err …”Mama I made it!”.

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Friendship, life choices, Love, money, Relationships, Uncategorized

Alone with Money

He could not take it anymore, the pressure and the waiting. How was he supposed to know that the money and the women would never satisfy a brewing death from within?

A big man on the brink of Obesity and his Soul is starving. Every night he does not know why his Rover isn’t enough. It’s big enough but there isn’t room for it on the road to the afterlife.

How can you blame her for thinking so smart? She’s hungry, going to bed on an empty stomach is no fitness routine. So she took this precious beauty and hung out it with a price…at least now she can see it’s value – it’s put some food in her mouth.

“I’m doing what I have to do” is what he’ll tell you. “I can’t afford to play around while accumulating these debts, I’ll get this degree just before I get rich and then I’ll take all my boys out and we’ll celebrate by the beach” – but how was he supposed to know that thinking for the future could cost him the gift that was the present and now the boys are no more, they’ve moved on with their wives…

And now you’ve got an old man chasing around young girls trying to make up for his wasted days of youth. But his body is not the same now, the alcohol doesn’t go down as it used to – now lying on a hospital bed with nobody by his side…

How was he supposed to know that he needed somebody that would care to be there? How was he supposed to know he needed somebody for better or for worse?

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Love, Relationships, secrets, Short Story, Uncategorized

Loveless Love Letters

Dear Dorothy

Is it your comforting touch, your cheering laugh or your tight squeezing hugs that’s got me missing you? Or maybe it’s just my regrets, of the pain I caused you that has got me thinking so deeply.

I remember how your big eyes used to light up when we were together. You would smile as you lay your head on my shoulder telling me about your friends, the real ones and the fake. You thought I was one of the real ones and set no boundaries for what you could say next, you just said it all and I was all ears all the time.

I, however, could not even begin to tell you what was on my mind. It wasn’t you… maybe it was what we were doing together but looking back at it now, I did not really have your best interests at heart. You are Beautiful, always have and always will be. But I took that beauty for granted – I had somebody else.

Yes, it’s by time I confessed. My heart has always belonged to Diane. I lied and told you I was getting tired of her, but every night I rested in her arms and had no trouble falling into peaceful slumber.

I kept you hopeful – of a time when you and I would pack only our favourite clothes and note books and run away together. We said we would leave it all behind, the money, careers and past lovers…but in truth that was all just a dream, a youthful fantasy – it was never going to happen.

Diane has gone back home to care for her young siblings while her ill mother is in and out of hospital, and although I should be worried for her and their family’s pain – I am now missing you. Maybe this is just a lonely man trying to satisfy fleshly urges, or maybe this is our time Dorothy – maybe we could set sail with those dreams we once buried.

I’ve always loved how you composed your poems, although I have never been able to produce words under such a rhyming pressure and for sure I never will have the pleasure. But still you loved my short stories and we said that together we would take over the world of free-lance literature.

I heard some birds singing a song about how you had found a new love, but you and I both know that he is just trying to fill up my old boots. What we had, no – what we have is real, a true connection you know – chemistry. I will come by real soon to take back what is rightfully mine.

Until I come my love, do prepare some poems for me…I’ve got so many apologies to sing to you, and some ice-cream too. We can sit through the sunset on your porch as we let our words do the talking. It will be like old times. It will be a Grand time.

Sincerely yours.

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