Learning the Hard way

There are many ways to learn something, but what is the reason of learning in the first place? If you ask me, I want to learn so that I can make a change.

A change to what, you may ask? I want to make a change from my current standpoint to the next. I want to carve that future of mine to look a little more like that dream if mine.

One word which I associate with change is regret. I certainly don’t want to do again the things that I regret. But it’s funny looking at it through my eyes because I don’t regret the things that I did, but I regret the result that they brought.

I certainly don’t regret loving the person who broke my heart, but I regret getting heartbroken. There are other things that I did then that have left me now with an addiction that I battle with daily…sometimes I win and sometimes I lose…

But I don’t regret doing what I did because look, now I learnt that such a thing leads to this kind of regretful heartbreak or that kind of addiction. I am thankful for the things that have made me this person who knows this.

Okay so I had to deal with that heartbreak – points for that. And now I’m fighting against this addiction, good, I’ll certainly enjoy those points when I know how to win.

See we humans see no value in the things that we get easily. I grew up watching and learning from other people’s mistakes – perks for that. But what happens when I take a different route and then find myself in that same situation that I tried to avoid? I realise now that I was not actually learning the wrongs, only finding different ways to do them. The result is the same.

You’re going to grow into something special and I will too…I’m not saying that what we will grow into will be desirable, but it will be special. I’m a procrastinator because I struggle to spot the danger early, then when I finally see the importance and value of the project, I jump straight to it and reap the best results for my efforts.

I learn the hard way. Take my health as another example, I’ve never been so ill as to need hospitalization, so I take this matter lightly, eat junk and never exercise ( well I walk everywhere so I guess that counts)…but I’ve yet to see the dangers of my ways and so, I’m never motivated to change.

Learning the Hard way is learning through conviction – Like a short jail sentence to enlighten a reckless youth. but I’m so scared of even the Hard lessons that one day I might go through it and finally change my ways, but I hope when that day comes my perspective changes too…so that I may see the lesson in the Hard times and add that to my tools.

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Bubbly

Bubbly me, same old bubbly me…

Bubbles. They fly into the air and give a quick thrill. They fly into the air, some in this and some in that direction – they grab the attention – a pleasant sensation.

Yes, such a quick thrill. Small things amaze the smaller minds and then they go POP into the air. We blow some more and have a joll through the day, they’ll POP again and well just blow some more.

After all, they’re nothing but air – mix some soap and I tell you we’ll do it again. But I can’t be bubbly again, especially if it’s only some air. Because after so many rounds, it’s time for something more, maybe someone to care…

When we were younger we’d blow some bubbles and watch them fly into our dreams. Then we’d watch them and hope they could fly forever, but none of them did…maybe one would survive longer, but eventually he too would POP and disappoint.

And now when they describe me, they say Bubbly Keletso. And that just deflates me…but that makes me a little happy because I don’t wanna be Bubbly like those bubbles who would promise to excite and then POP and disappoint, no I’d rather deflate, and live a life on clean slate, and never be late and hope that no one relates…and that way I’ll just exist and hopefully also resist the urge to step into the lime light only to POP one last time.

Be Myself

And if I lose myself for the sake of finding myself and then I find myself without You? Would I still be myself? What is me without you but a mere stranger walking on the other side of the street?

But then what is me with you but not with myself?

I guess the question lies in the possibility that I was predestined for you, which would mean that with you I am myself. But am I really myself or am I yours?

The other option would be for me to be myself and that would mean that I chose to be myself with you. But that makes me wonder, what if I had chosen for myself to be not with You?

See I am with you and I am asking these questions. If I had chosen myself without You, would I still have been asking these questions? Or maybe I would have been too busy living as myself to find time for these questions.

But what if I am only living because I am with you and I am so blessed that I am able to even ask?

I wonder if some of my heroes ever asked these questions. I wonder if I laughed while Robin Williams asked for himself, or if maybe I was too busy dancing while Avicii was pondering.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop writing these words. I wonder if I’m even writing these words. I wonder – if I do stop writing these words – will you wonder if I got my answers?

Mend a broken love.

How do you mend a broken axle? We’ve been stuck here on the side of the road trying to pump some life back into our love, But it all seems so futile when you’ve got so many holes that I cannot see and you remain silent – not even a tear when I touch you here or there – it’s like you feel no pain, but I need to know if I should try again.

How do you mend a broken axle? We thought this love would be a walk in the park, but it’s been three years now and we’ve been dogs barking at the wrong trees. You’ve been sitting in your comfort zone throwing tantrums, but now that the gates are open you’re afraid to come out to fight for your love.

And me, I’ve been here thinking and sinking in my messy room but somehow I manage to keep my head above the clutter long enough to see your mistakes, still while drowning in mine – I’m failing to see how fast I’m falling – I’d be lucky if I could make it out crawling.

How do you mend a broken axle? In the car boot, next to the spare tyre, that’s where I left the first aid kit. Maybe if we can patch things up quickly we can still make it in time to see the sunrise on the east coast. We had such high hopes when we decided to run away and escape the concrete jungle…but we ran straight into the wilderness of this thing called Love.

And now you don’t have your mother or your girlfriends to call every time I call a fight out of something small, and make you feel small – everybody could see it back then, but now everybody is no longer a valid excuse – can we still say the world is against us while we’re alone in the wilderness? We only got here in the summer, I hope we make it until the fall.

So how do you mend a broken axle? I’m tired of numbing the pain because it always comes back. I’m so over going around the same circles. Let’s grab this thing by the horns and deal with it together, no more games and throwing blames.

Ahead of my time.

When I was just a little rascal, I heard somebody say Time waits for no man. Some time later I remember hearing somebody else say You Snooze – you Lose.

Then the days went by, followed by months and probably some years and somewhere in between, I remember playing with my friends when someone shouted Last one there is a rotten egg… I don’t remember who ended up being the rotten one, but those games were fun, competition was fun and winning was life.

So I went on to grow up in phases, taking part in the mainstream competitions along the way. Primary school games and High school sports, I won a few along the way as a Jack of all trades but master of none. All these were fun, but the sensation was too short and I lost the drive along the way. I was too unique to commit to only one of these games, so I simply stopped and changed my focus.

Then I remembered those phrases from my youth, it seemed like one man held a certain trophy and it could not be taken from him. Time – yes that’s his name, he was always in control and got praise from everybody who knew him. He was everybody’s favourite but nobody could compete. They cheered his name from the rural streets to the Mansions up the hill – Time is money – even the biggest corporates would admit.

They say, If you keep up, you never have to catch up. I’m sorry but I’ve never heard anything more foolish than trying to chase time. So I decided that I had to be ahead of him and it’s not that difficult. You need to know a few basic rules of time; I’ll leave here just two – Time is a measuring scale & Time is subjective.

I could go on forever about how I did it, but I want you to believe that I won the race and now I am ahead of my time. You’d think that this is a great thing to achieve, but it is actually quite frustrating. You see, we think we are racing Time, but we are actually racing people – our own peers most often.

When you are ahead of Time, it means that you have achieved what you did before your peers and before the time that the people before you set as the standard estimate for success – many people know this. But the problem with this achievement however, lies in the question: “What good is winning if you have nobody to celebrate with?”…or “What good is winning if nobody is there to see you win?”

So you do all the right things, but everybody else is still stuck on the left side of life – then your right things seem to them as weird and crazy. You become more at risk of depression, having to choose between enjoying your victory alone, or dumbing it down just a little in order to enjoy Da Tingz Dat Ur Frendz lyk.

But you have to realise that there’s no standing on the fence, you have to flip the switch and once you fall over you have to go all in, like SPLASH! into the deep end and there’s no coming back. You have to like their music and get intoxicated by the blinding lights and make the same mistakes that you knew you could avoid, but now you can’t divert, so you dive head-in with the crowd – get caught up in addiction and lose your self control – living your life shallow, a shadow of the man you could have been – the chance to stand out, you tossed it in the bin.

Now I realise why time will always win, he does not mind standing alone and being the standard of measurement. He does not mind being cursed at, or missing out on the fun. Time is winning and that secures his life, he beat the competition and became the game and now we play by his rules – so for that I give respect where it’s due, but I keep my eyes open and see if I can learn a thing or two, I’m waiting for his secrets because they said, Time will tell.

Look what I can do

Time waits for no man if

You snooze – You Lose because

Last one there is a rotten egg and

Time, Time is Money so

If you keep up

You never have to catch up because

Time is a measuring scale and

Time is subjective so remember

My Peers

Time will always win and

Time will tell.

I Love Cheap Thrills!

I’m spoilt for choice really on the type of person I can choose to be in this life. You saw that film about that bloke who had multiple personalities, well I’ve got multiple casualties that have left me with a choice: revenge like a savage or avenge and salvage an entire generation.

I love cheap thrills but such ain’t really cheap because they come from expensive hearts – no let me rephrase that – they come from priceless hearts that aren’t afraid to skip a beat or two and donate love for the sake of our humanity, now that’s humility. In today’s world it’s become a calamity to give up one’s self for the sake of the community.

Quick recap: snap- crackle and POP, that’s memories from my childhood I’m wondering where I went wrong from that innocent youth, I’m going into beast mode…

Sugar, Spice and everything nice, I’m rolling dice in street corners now because I’ve got to get that ice. Blood diamonds light up my brand new watch and I spray imported cologne just to dream of a trip to Germany with all the mindless pretty girls that made the mistake of looking at my glitters and thinking I’d make them rich.

I’d feel bad for them, but they’re better off than all the mindful girls who made the mistake of looking into my sparkling eyes and getting lost in my lies when I promised that I would care beyond this light filled night when really I would never dare to reveal even a peace of my heart just to start, because once I get to that part where I’ve got what I wanted I begin to amaze you by turning my back and running off into the wilderness with no love in my chest, but with your heart in a chest, along with all the other goodies and souvenirs that I keep as trophies – for this one I conquered like this, and that one like that, and these two I stole from here and I threw them there.

I treat these memories as a reminder that this life ain’t fair – if I couldn’t have peace then neither should my enemies. And everybody who got tangled in between has to understand that it was a necessary evil, a work hazard, and if you really where smart enough then you should have seen the warning signs and if you didn’t then you simply weren’t good enough and that’s why you should have encouraged me when I told you that I love cheap thrills, but instead you called me a bore and laughed it all off in my face, testing my patience and misusing my kindness, well tell me now…am I interesting enough? Has my head proven itself worthy of your expensive standards, or do I need to go on and come up with a nice ending for the sake of Art? Well what about my heart, do you think it goes unbruised every time I have to put it through this raging?

Contentment

Contentment…I treat this word with contempt. Trying to pay attention to only the positive content but something always wants to tempt.

Resentment is an overwhelming feeling I have to admit. Trying to stay optimistic under the pressure to submit.

I have this head that feels like it’s not connected to a neck. It sounds weird to say but it is even more weird to live with it.

In this head I live most of my life while my body operates on auto. Sometimes my head wanders off into the distance, chasing the horizon and when it does this I don’t even notice until I find myself examining hieroglyphics in Cairo.

I stand in the shower looking over at your life – I see your kids, your street and the rat poison in your kitchen corners and the luck in between that’s keeping your toddler from eating the tainted cheese.

I ask my head, why are you so messed up? What did I do to make you like this? How can I ever become a better person when you always say that isn’t enough? And why do you even bother to make me think this way if you won’t give me the answers?

My head never answers and I’m left with the blame. I’m trying to focus like all the other robots in my class but you want to make me feel special. You tell me there’s something better to do and distract me from reality…

O’ yes, I know there isn’t any better. I don’t know why you lie to me.

Discipline Discipline blah-blah-blah, if I don’t control you, I might go tah-tah-tah. Label me lazy for a daydream that never seems to end. This is how it always goes, I get a nice thought and begin to write about it and it starts off well until I get to this point and my head gets out of it and all I’m left with are fingers picking letters composing words, makes sense or not doesn’t really matter coz IDGAF, I’m a Millennial so you already know my problem…

I’m lazy and entitled is what they say. I’m crazy and delusional to think the world revolves around me. But you told me I could be anything from President to astronaut, you put no limits. But now I’m here to claim it and you resist, so I persist in my head to imagine – to dream of me on mars bearing Columbus’ scars! I heard that history repeats itself so I wanna be on the front line when she comes, not stuck in a cubical surrounded with pastings of motivational quotes from people who beat the system only to become the system and take turns on our lives, dopamine dopamine dopamine – I’m a junky, you’re my hit, I feel all fuzzy inside…Roses are red but I’m pansy inside.