African, blogging, faith, light and darkness, secrets, Uncategorized

In the Dark

Hidden in the dark are my fears and regrets and secrets of shame. I remain in the dark to keep a close eye on it all to make sure none of it escapes, to make sure nobody gets to see what I am and what I am not.

It is Dark in the Dark I cannot see no hope, nor faith and the truth is no different from lies for in the dark it is Dark. I cannot see and neither can you.

It is quiet in the Dark I close my eyes and I begin to dream. There is light in the dark and I can see the grass is green and the skies are blue. You don’t need to tell me twice, I can see that the birds fly – with mighty ease they reach for the clouds and nest on the trees…this is my dream, my dream of light in the dark. There is light in my dreams, in my head, no – there is light inside me.

In me there is light. O’ light spread all around, to my hands to touch and my legs to stand. I reach out and touch you and you awake and click the switch, there is light in the room. I can see your eyes in the light and they shine so bright, just to think all of this started with a little dream – a little light in the dark.

My fears and shame, they remain in the dark – I don’t wanna go back to the dark. There there is no hope and no spark. I’ll remain in the light, I can see it all, you don’t have to tell me – the truth is true. I am what I am and not what I am not.

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cry, Family, inspiration, Love, secrets, Short Story, Uncategorized

A Shoulder…

The older I get – The stronger I need to be – The weaker I am.

“It’s age, it’s fate, it’s growing up”, I tell myself everyday. I need to be an example for the young ones back home – stand tall, “Thats my older brother”, they need to be able to say.

I need to prepare for the harsh world out there, “That’s the new intern, an able Lawyer he’ll be”, They need to be able to say.

But all this is just a bit too much. It all happens so fast, I thought I was in the driving seat but that was a 2003 Toyota with my mom on the passenger seat so I kept it below 60/per hour…

Now I’m in the backseat of 500 Horse-powers and mom is nowhere in sight, I left her for my future. I’m being tossed from side to side because I can’t make a decision…I’ve lost control and I’m running out of fuel.

When I was younger you walked into my room and asked me what was wrong. There wasn’t much I could complain about so I rarely did. You laid such a good foundation so we only looked forward to moving up.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still looking forward. But I don’t have my own foundation yet I need to move out. So yes I’m sinking – or maybe I’m being blown by the wind, getting lost and seeing things I should never look at.

Okay so I set some standards for myself and I’m aiming high, I ask God to stay by me and I know he’s faithful. I’ll inherit this Kingdom with Jesus, but first I must endure the struggles.

And it’s his love that gets me wishing…wishing I had your shoulder to cry on because I lost myself, I’m crawling back and will be walking soon but I wish I could run back home and let you know that I’ve made some mistakes, learnt some lessons…

but I’m a big boy now – I guess I’ll just have to get Older – get Stronger and miss the Weaker me because, “I have overcome and succeeded” – I need to be able to say.

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fiction, Friendship, friendzone, Love, secrets

I Love you But You’ll never know

Three kids, a modest double storey house, a BMW SUV for me and for you, a decent mini bus to take the kids to soccer.

This picture plays like a movie in my head every night before I sleep. It is the story of our perfect little family – Yeah I’ve thought that far, that’s how much I love you. Day and after day, Monday to Friday from behind your seat in English class I imagine our love, our first kiss, your perky brown lips and your silky brown hair…You’re my indian Princess and I’m your African King.

We’re best friends you and I, I always say that but I lie to myself everyday. I want us to be lovers. We text everyday, I always try to sneak a flirt and you always play dumb. You ask me who owns my heart, almost as if you want me to confess your name. But I’m too scared. I’d rather have you as a friend than have you as nothing at all.

See this love is almost forbidden. You’re a beautiful Indian princess and I’m just an awkward black boy who’s lost his mind- or at least that’s what my friends say. But it’s true, in our community I can only imagine how much slander you’d get for being in love with a “blackie”. I know you’re a strong woman but I don’t think you’ll survive this one.

So I’ll continue to watch you, admire you from a distance with nothing but Coldplay to make me feel worse. But I’ll hold on until next year, I’ll be going to varsity and I’ll make sure to get as far away from you as possible…maybe I’ll be able to forget you – I hope I’ll be able to move on.

Then I’ll probably bump into you in the summer. A lot will have changed by then, you’ll probably show me a new engagement ring – maybe for once I might actually not lie when i say, “I’m happy for you”. But until then, I still Love you but You’ll never know.

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